PINOY JOKES

by **MOOrderer** Tue 27 May 2008, 10:52 am

Pinoy Jokes cheer me up when i'm down..so i've decided to create this topic :)

------------------------------------------------------
"CLEMENCY"

wnt 2 knw abt clemency?

wt is CLEMENCY?

CLEMENCY is
actually....

....The maasim that you put on the pancit Razz

-------------------------------------------------------

Kapag sumikat ang
araw sisikat
din tayo..

Sabi ko naman sa
iyo, lagi akong nandito..

Kahit kelan
kaibigan mo ako,
at yan ay paninindigan
ko..

Ngayon matindi na ang
ulan, isa't isa
ang
ating takbuhan..

Sumilong ka lang
sa
aking
payong..

Sumilong ka lang
sa
aking
payong...

Ayong,Ayong,
Yong,Yong,Yong

Sumilong ka lang
sa
aking
payong..

-Umbrella tagalog version 8)

by **MOOrderer** Tue 27 May 2008, 10:53 am

Pwede b tayo na lang?

Ok lang b?

Pagod na kaasi ako kakaupo eh Very Happy

by **MOOrderer** Tue 27 May 2008, 10:57 am

Scenes kpag mgkaaway ang isang couple:

-mgttxt ng kunwre wrng snd
(pra icheck kng mgrrply c bf/gf)

-mgttxt ng kunware gm
(ppancn?)

-mgssend ng sandamakmak na swit/sad quotes
(pnadma daw)

-ssbhn sa tropa, "bhala sya, mgtxt sya kng gus2 nya, d ko ppancnin"
(pro panay ang abang sa cp kng my txt)

-bukang bbig nya, "di wag sya mgtxt! So?"
(pro ittxt c bf/gf ng, "ano, wla ka ng pakealam?)

-bu2rahin ang # ni bf/gf
(pro saulo nman ang #)

by **MOOrderer** Tue 27 May 2008, 10:58 am

D truth bhnd d
s0ng ETERNAL
FLAME & hu rily
sang it..

BULAG:cl0se ur
eyes,
PILAY:gve me ur
hand drlng,
BINGI:do u hir my
heart beating?
BOBO: d0 u
undErStnd?
MANHID: d0 u fiL
d same?
DUKHA: am i only
dreaming?
BUMBERO: is dis
burning? an
eternal flame!
PIPI: say my
name,
BALIW: sunshine
through the rain,
KAWAWA: my
whole life, so
lonely..
DOKTOR:dey'L
cum nd ease d
pain.
MADAMOT:i dnt
wna lose ds
feelng..
WOLF:Oooohh(^^.')

by **MOOrderer** Tue 27 May 2008, 11:12 am

Badong - Mayaman na tayo, marami tayong nakulimbat sa bangko.
Bitoy - Magkano ang nahold-up natin?
Badong - Mahina ako sa math, alamin na lang natin sa TV Patrol bukas.

-----------------------------------------------

The following are names of existing real-life business establishments.

Ali Baka ( Shawarma )
Anita Bakery
Beefer 150 ( Meat Shop )
Common Cents Store ( Sari-sari Store )
Crispy per minute ( Crispy Pata Eatery )
Curl Up And Dye ( Beauty Salon )
Doris Day and Night ( 24 hour eatery )
Elizabeth Tailoring
Farmacia With Love ( A Drugstore )
Felix the Cut ( Barber Shop )
Funeraria Mabuhay
Tree's Company
Goto Haven

Goldirocks ( Gravel & Sand Shop )
Labo Optical
L.B.M. Restaurant
Maid To Order ( Maids Placement Agency )
Mane Attraction ( Beauty Parlor )
Meating Place ( Meat Shop )
Memory Drug ( A Mercury Drug Clone )
Nacho Fast ( Nachos To Go )
O'Beer Time ( Bar cum Nightclub )
Passers Buy ( Convenience Store )
Perm Foundation ( A Christian Beauty Salon )
Petal Attraction ( Flower Shop )
Saudia Hairlines ( Beauty Salon )
Scissors Palace ( Barber shop )

Second Time Around ( Second Hand Watch Store )
TapSi TurBi ( Tapa, Sinangag, Turon at Bibingka )
The Way We Wear ( Boutique )
Wash & Carry ( Laundromat )
Mercy Buko ( Fresh Coconut Roadside Shop )

Dear Hunter ( Mail Order Brides )
MacDonuts ( Donut Shop )
Mat & Jeep ( Jeep Accessories Shop )
Your Best Vet ( Veterinary Clinic )

by **benjbuddy** Wed 28 May 2008, 11:49 pm

Girl: Doc, pa check up po.

Doc: Sige hubad ka ng panty at bra, tapos higa ka.

Girl: Hindi po ako, itong lola ko po.

Doc: Sige lola, hinga na lang ng malalim...

stick

by **benjbuddy** Thu 29 May 2008, 7:10 pm

> > Paano humamon ng AWAY ang...

> > BULAG?

> > Magpakita kayo mga Duwag!

> > DULING?

> > Isa Isa Lang! para patas ang Laban!

> > PILAY?

> > Patay kung Patay! Walang Takbuhan!
stick

by **MOOrderer** Fri 30 May 2008, 1:42 pm

kuya benj!!!

by **MOOrderer** Fri 30 May 2008, 1:51 pm

Hinipo ng pari ang legs ng madre.
Madre: Father, Psalm 129!
Pari: Sorry!
Pag uwi ng pari hinanap nya sa bible ang Psalm 129 at binasa: GO HIGHER AND FINE GLORY :::::
Pari: SUS GINOON IDAY!!!! Kung alam ko lang na gusto mo rin....Gugulong ka sa sarap...!!!!

by **benjbuddy** Fri 30 May 2008, 4:36 pm

moo

> > Guro: cno c jose rizal?

> > Juan: D ko po kilala.

> > Guro: Ikaw pepe?

> > Pepe: D rin po.

> > Guro: D nyo kilala c jose rizal?

> > Pedro: Ma'm, baka po s kabilang section sya!

stick

by **MOOrderer** Fri 30 May 2008, 4:38 pm

haha nkktawa jokes mo!!!!

by **benjbuddy** Fri 30 May 2008, 7:28 pm

> > Husband: Kung di ako makaligtas sa operasyon ko bukas, ikaw na sana ang bahala sa lahat lahat... I LOVE YOU!

> > Wife: Tumigil ka! wala pang namamatay sa TULI!

stick

by **MOOrderer** Sat 31 May 2008, 12:14 pm

Tinawagan ng isang american businessman ang kanyang katulong nsa pilipina sa kanyang Mansyon.

Sinagot
ng katulong ang tawag ng boss pero baliktad ang pagkakahawak sa
telepono. nasa bunganga ang earpeace at nsa tenga ang mouthpiece.

Among Kano: Hello inday can you hear me
Inday: Hello!!! Hello!!!
Among Kano: invert the phone

Binaliktad ni inday ang kanyang sinabi

Inday: olleH!!! olleH!!!
Among Kano: no! invert the phone
Inday: NOPELET NOPELET

by **MOOrderer** Sun 01 Jun 2008, 11:07 am

Teacher: What is your name?
Student: Early Seven po Mam...
Teacher: Niloloko ma ba ako?
Student: Hindi po!! Iyan po ang name ko sa Inglis,
sa Pilipino po "AGAPITO"

``````````````````````````````````````````````
Kumari1: My dog is smart. Every morning he brings newspaper to me.
Kumari2: Alam ko, sinabi sa akin ng aso ko.

``````````````````````````````````````````````
ERAP BUMPS A FOREIGNER...
Erap: Sory!
Foreigner: Sory 2!
Erap:(napapai sip) Sory 3!
Foreigner: Wat are u sory 4?
Erap: Sory 5!
Foreigner: sory but u are sick!
Erap: Sory 7! (akala yata nito hindi ako marunong mag bilang hah)

``````````````````````````````````````````````
Jinggoy: Dad, graduate na po ako!
Erap: Buti naman iho.
Jinggoy: Ano bang kurso mo?
Erap: AB po.
Erap: Ano???? 4 na taon, AB lang natapos mo??? Balik ka sa Maynila,
kunin mo hanggang Z.

``````````````````````````````````````````````
Q: Why do couples hold hands during weddings?
A: It is just a formality. Like "two boxers", they shake
hands before the fight begins.

``````````````````````````````````````````````
Q: What is the most impressive example of Tolerance?
A: Golden Wedding Anniversary!

``````````````````````````````````````````````
A SENSITIVE CHILD
1st day in school...
Mom to teacher - Very sensitive po ang anak ko.
Kung kailangan nyo po siyang parusahan, sampalin nyo
na lang po ang katabi nya. matatakot na 'yan!

``````````````````````````````````````````````
Lumindol ng malakas noon....
Nagkagulo and lahat at nag-panic.
Sumigaw ang isang lalake..
"Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"
Sumagot ang isa pang lalake..
"Tanga, a kinse pa lang."

``````````````````````````````````````````````
Teacher: Who can give a question and translate it to tagalog?
Pupil: My Teacher is beautiful, isn't she?
Teacher: Very good! Sige, please translate it in tagalog.
Pupil: Ang guro ay maganda! MAGANDA nga ba?

``````````````````````````````````````````````
Sweethearts watching the sky:
Guy: Ano ang iyong horoscope?
Girl: Ano man huruskup?
Guy: Kapalaran ba... gaya sa akin, CANCER....
Girl: AH!! sa akon, ALMURANAS.....

``````````````````````````````````````````````
Girl: The man I must marry must be bright. He must be
musical, can tell jokes, sing and stay home at night!
Granny: Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!
Less headache pa.

``````````````````````````````````````````````
Humihingal si Totoy nang dumating sa kanila.
Nagtaka ang Nanay niya.
NANAY: Anak, ano bang nangyari?
TOTOY: Nanay! Nanay! Nanganak na po ang baka!
NANAY: Talaga? Eh ano ba'ng anak?
TOTOY: Eh di baka rin po!

``````````````````````````````````````````````
Nanay: Damihan ninyo ang sinaing, isali nyo na rin pati aso't pusa.
Anak: Opo Nay!
Nanay: Punyeta, bakit may pusa dito sa sinaing?
Anak: Di ko na nga po sinama yung aso, kasi di na po kasya....

``````````````````````````````````````````````

by **benjbuddy** Sun 01 Jun 2008, 9:25 pm

AMO: day, gamitin mo itong chalk pamatay ng ipis, sulat mo sa pader.

Maid: yis ati!

NEXT DAY

... nagulat ang amo, nakasulat sa pader:

EPES MAMATAY KAUNG LAHAT! SYET PAKYO!

by **MOOrderer** Mon 02 Jun 2008, 10:19 am

by **benjbuddy** Mon 02 Jun 2008, 9:31 pm

Pedro: Pare galing ako sa doctor, nakabili na ako ng hearing aid...

Grabe ang lakas na ng pandinig ko!

Juan:tlaga?!?! Magkano bili mo?

Pedro: Kahapon lang...

stick

by **benjbuddy** Wed 04 Jun 2008, 2:21 pm

Sayings to live by:

1. Birds of the same feather are the same birds

2. do not do unto others what you can't do

3. an apple a day is not an apple at night

4. when the cat is away the mouse is alone

5. if others can do it, dont help

6. tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you mine

7. early to bed and early to rise makes you sleepy in the afternoon

isn't corny? lol!

by **eragon** Wed 04 Jun 2008, 3:18 pm

Lola: Hoy, halika na dito, mag-almusal na tayo.
Lolo: Sandali lang, irog, ako'y nagaayos pa.
Lola: Bilisan mo nga dyan, anong oras na kailangan pa natin bumili ng bigas, humahaba na pila ng NFA
Lolo: Nandyan na.
Lola: O eto na kape mo.
Lolo: Salamat
Lola: E, bakit ba sa tuwing nagkakape tayo eh, umiinit ang pakiramdam ko?
Lolo: Aba, aba, paanong hindi magiinit ang pakiramdam mo, eh nakasawsaw sa kape yang dede mo.

by **MOOrderer** Wed 04 Jun 2008, 9:47 pm

ayos! hahaha lol!

by **benjbuddy** Thu 05 Jun 2008, 4:58 pm

Frat meeting...
Leader: Pare balita ko bading ka daw, totoo ba?!
Ambo: Pare, Mga chismax lang yun galing sa mga chuvanes na walang magawa sa mga chenilyn nila... chura nila! hmpf!
stick

by **MOOrderer** Thu 05 Jun 2008, 6:22 pm

buti walang churvaler dyan Razz

by **MOOrderer** Thu 05 Jun 2008, 6:29 pm

JACK (3) was watching his Mom breast feeding his new [color:8240=blue ! important][color:8240=blue ! important]baby [color:8240=blue ! important]sister. After a
while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold
milk?"

MELANIE (5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old
she didn't remember any more. Said Melanie, "If you don't remember you must
look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when
you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (4) had an [color:8240=blue ! important][color:8240=blue ! important]earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take
the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a
[color:8240=blue ! important][color:8240=blue ! important]childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the
little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give
>>me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DANI (4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (4) was engrossed in a young couple who were hugging and kissing in a
restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he
whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was
troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get
married. How will my wife fit in?"

AMES (4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was
warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and
was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (4) was with her mother when they met an [color:8240=blue ! important][color:8240=blue ! important]elderly, rather wrinkled woman
her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your
skin [color:8240=blue ! important][color:8240=blue ! important]fit your face?"

The Sermon: I think this Mom will never forget this particular Sunday
sermon...

"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a
rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would
have continued, but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was
listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl
voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

by **MOOrderer** Thu 05 Jun 2008, 6:32 pm

"biktima din kami ng abortion"
-balot

"hindi lahat ng maasim may vitamin C"
-kili-kili

"paano tayo makakabuo kung hindi ako papatong sau?"
-Lego

"hindi lahat ng klase ng dugo pwedeng idonate"
-regla

by **MOOrderer** Thu 05 Jun 2008, 6:37 pm

Flat-chested

A very flat-chested woman finally decided
she needed a bra and set out to the mall
in search of one in her size.
She entered an upscale department store
and approached the saleslady in lingerie,
"Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative,
so she left the store and proceeded to
another department store where she is
rebuffed in much the same manner.
After a third try at another department
store in the mall, she had become disgusted.
Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.

Marching up to the sales clerk,
she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse,
yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied,
"Have you tried Clearasil?"

(ouch naman..tsk tsk she has no future) haha cheers

by **MOOrderer** Thu 05 Jun 2008, 6:42 pm

ADIK: Doc, grabe yung panaginip ko gabi gabi,
kasi lagi daw ako nanunuod ng basketball.
DOCTOR: sige halika may gamot ako para dyan.
ADIK: Wag muna dok, championship game na mamaya eh!

________________________

MISIS: Tapatin mo nga ako!
Bakit nasa ilalim ng unan mo ang bra ni Inday?
MISTER: Aba ewan ko! Baka may relasyon sila
ng driver natin! kasi nakita ko ang brief
nya sa ilalim ng unan mo!

_______________________

WOMAN: Hello Doc? Si Mrs Reyes po ito.
Naiwan ko ba panty ko kahapon
nung magpa check-up ako?
DOC: Hindi po Misis.
WOMAN: Sigi po, baka kay Attorney ko naiwan, Sori po.

______________________

Guy1: Tol, astig dream ko kagabi, dinidilaan ko daw
pagitan ng boobs ni Diaba Zubiri..
Guy2: Hayop ka tol! kaya pala basang basa
ang puwet ko pagkagising ko!

______________________

HONEYMOON...
GROOM: Honey, bakit ka malungkot? di ka ba masaya at
pinakasalan kita kahit na GRO ka?
BRIDE: Iniisip ko lang na sa tuwing mag se-sex tayo'y
di mo na ako babayaran. Sayang din kasi eh!

_____________________

MAID: Ma'm, ni-rape ako ng magnanakaw kagabi..
MADAM: Bakit di ka sumigaw?
MAID: Eh.. akala ko po si Sir, pero nung makadalawa..
Nagduda na ako!

by **MOOrderer** Thu 05 Jun 2008, 6:45 pm

bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?

bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?

bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!

________________________

Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak mo?

Biktima: Ikaw na bahala..bastaa pareho po yan walang laman!

____________________________

TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Nino y
Aquino at
Apolinario Mabini?

STUDENT: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng
holiday!

__________________________

TITSER: Juan, use recharge & caffeine in a sentence.

JUAN: Si "Recharge" Gutierrez ay si "Caffeine" Barbell.

________________________

ERAP: Soli ko tong nabili kong DVD.

FPJ: Anong problema?

ERAP: Walang picture, tsaka sound. Sayang. Suspense thriller pa yata to.
Tsk,
tsk...

FPJ: Anong title?

ERAP: "The Lens Cleaner"

_________________________

by **MOOrderer** Thu 05 Jun 2008, 6:50 pm

may naka-dinner d8 aq...may kulangot sya sa lips,

cnabi q n lng n,may kanin xa s lips....

dinilaan b naman atcnabing...

"ikw tlaga!ndi nman kanin eh, karne!!!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
May 1 mangyan pumasok sa jollibee...
Mangyan: Pabili ng pulot...
Tindera: walang pulot dito!
Mangyan: kayabangan mo! ang laki laki nung bubuyog sa labas..
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

pinoy
at amerikano sa elevator galing sa 10th floor. nang tumigil ang
elevator sa 5thrd floor, pagbukas nito may pinoy na nagtanong.

pinoy 1: BABABA BA?

pinoy sa elevator: BABABA.

pagtapos ay sumakay na ang pinoy, at ngtanong ang amerikano..

amerikano: did you guys just had a real conversation?

--------------------

BOYET: nay ano po ulam natin?

NANAY: tingnan mo nalang sa ref natin anak.

BOYET: eh wala naman po tayo ref diba?

NANAY: o. edi wala tayong ulam! anak konting utak ok?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband: Luv, promise, simula ngayon, iiwan ko na ang mga kabit ko.

Wife: Wow, thanks luv, ako naman, I promise, ang next nating anak, ikaw na ang ama! Promise talaga!

by **benjbuddy** Thu 05 Jun 2008, 7:05 pm

sobrang nakakatawa talaga Very Happy

by **MOOrderer** Thu 05 Jun 2008, 7:09 pm

weeee ambabaw tlga ng kaligayahan ko..actually ung category ng mga jokes na yan "KORNI JOKES" e..whaha korni pro nttwa pren akO!!!! wahahaha lol!

by **benjbuddy** Thu 05 Jun 2008, 7:12 pm

sa English: Eat all you can, dont be shy... feel at home...

sa Tagalog: Kain lang kayo ng kain. Walang hiya kayo...pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo ito!

Razz

by **MOOrderer** Thu 05 Jun 2008, 7:13 pm

benjbuddy wrote:sa English: Eat all you can, dont be shy... feel at home...

sa Tagalog: Kain lang kayo ng kain. Walang hiya kayo...pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo ito!

by **benjbuddy** Thu 05 Jun 2008, 7:25 pm

ang corny naten hehehe stick

Boy: Di na tuloy ang kasal natin

Girl: Bakit?!

Boy: Kuya mo kasi eh!

Girl: Hindi no! Gusto ka ng Kuya ko!

Boy: Yun nga eh.. gusto ko rin ang kuya mo!

by **benjbuddy** Thu 05 Jun 2008, 7:25 pm

Juan: San ka galing?

Pedro: sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.

Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?

Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh... Lumalaban!!

Cam

by **MOOrderer** Thu 05 Jun 2008, 9:11 pm

WAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!! ayos kuya benj!!!!!wahahahha HUWOOOOO..

by **benjbuddy** Fri 06 Jun 2008, 12:25 am

Two nurses on duty...

Nurse 1: Hoy! Gaga, bakit may thermometer sa tenga mo!

Nurse 2: Ha? susmaryosep! kaninong pwet ko kaya naiwan yung ballpen ko!!

stick

by **Alan_Ariel** Fri 06 Jun 2008, 12:18 pm

hmm.. i'll just laugh even if i don't really understand.. hahaha.. stick

by **benjbuddy** Fri 06 Jun 2008, 4:14 pm

Alan you are the funny one hahaha

by **benjbuddy** Fri 06 Jun 2008, 5:08 pm

Hari: Ano gusto mong parusa? ipakain sa leon o pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet?

Pedro: Mas gugustuhin ko pong pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet.

Hari: Mga kawal! ilabas si Jolibee!

stick

by **MOOrderer** Fri 06 Jun 2008, 7:24 pm

by **benjbuddy** Fri 06 Jun 2008, 7:32 pm

Moo, maybe the one who made that is a 5th grader. stick

by **benjbuddy** Fri 06 Jun 2008, 7:34 pm

Parishioner: Father bakit may nakasampay na daster, bra at panty sa may kumbento? may asawa ka?

Father: Kung aasa ako sa mga donasyon nyo, di ako mabubuhay! Tumatanggap ako ng labada!

stick

so corny

by **alenn_wafu** Fri 06 Jun 2008, 10:25 pm

The picture of MOO is so laffotastic.. Cam

by **benjbuddy** Sat 07 Jun 2008, 12:28 am

What is laffotastic? stick

by **alenn_wafu** Sat 07 Jun 2008, 1:13 am

that means funny lol

by **MOOrderer** Sat 07 Jun 2008, 12:00 pm

hindi pa kumpleto yan,pano pa kaya kung kumpleto? Laughing

by **alenn_wafu** Sat 07 Jun 2008, 12:12 pm

Moo you post it whole! hahaha

by **MOOrderer** Sat 07 Jun 2008, 1:11 pm

by **benjbuddy** Sat 07 Jun 2008, 4:36 pm

by **benjbuddy** Sat 07 Jun 2008, 4:42 pm

GF: I'm warning you! darating na si daddy within 1 hour!

BF: Eh ano ngayon? eh wala naman tayong ginagawang masama ah!

GF: Kaya nga! kung may plano ka, DALIAN MO NA!!

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